Have you no faith??

OK, I know its been a long time since my last post, but I've been busy. Work is kicking my butt and my work travel has been a bit extensive, so blogging has not been a top priority. But things are a bit more settled down for the time being, and I can write a bit.

Thea wrote a blog yesterday about her faith and got me thinking about mine. I've been reading a lot of fiction books lately based on religious topics (I have had a lot of time to read since I spend many hours in airports over the last few weeks.... check out Thea's blog for those details!!). One of the books was about the Templar Knights and their efforts to hide a secret Gospel written by Jesus where he talks about his mortality and proclaims he was nothing more than a man. The book focused on the early Catholic church and how it fabricated a lot of the Jesus story to build the church and give people new hope. It was interesting. I also read a book that claimed that Jesus was not the only Messiah and that another one, named Sophia, existed and performed many of the same miracles and met approximately the same fate. This book again focused on the early Catholic church and how it covered up the existence of this other Messiah because she was a women. Both books were interesting reads and really made me think. I'd give the full reference for each book, but don't have it here at the moment. If interested, leave me a comment and I'll provide it.

I was discussing these books with Thea last night, and she asked if they make me question my faith. They don't make me question my faith. Faith is the belief in something without proof. Even if I have or do not have proof, it does not change what I believe since I don't need proof to believe in it. In addition, someone once told me that you can not have faith without questions and doubts. I'm a very scientific person, whose training is focused on looking at evidence and drawing conclusions based on the physics of the problem. The idea of God, Jesus, and Heaven defy human physics and logic, which brings large doubt into their existence. But keep in mind that at one time, we thought the atom was the smallest particle in matter. The scientific knowledge at the time could not comprehend any more. But now we have invented things like particle accelerators that have been used in the discovery of quarks, which are the building blocks of protons and neutrons.... oops, we were wrong, the atom is not the smallest particle, now quarks are........ until we find a way to split a quark.

The point is that we can not know what God knows, and even though we follow a set a laws, he may not. We can only prove what is in our ability to prove. I truly believe that the only way to know God is through faith. Sure I have doubts, and my scientific mind is always battling my religious mind, but in the end I realize that I believe what I believe and human fact or fiction is not going to change that. There are things out there that at this point in our evolution we just do not understand, and we may never understand them.

I am also reading a book about the historical Jesus. This book focuses on the man, not the center of the religion. It explores what Jesus really might have been like, and what his real message was. It also looks at how man has interpreted Jesus' message to fulfil earthly goals. Another interesting read. I'll blog about it soon.... no really, I will.... have some faith!

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence

Where did that saying come from, and what does it really mean? Well for the scientists out there I found this re-wording...

The herbage is customarily more verdurous on the diametrical selvage of the property barrier.

Do people actually use the words verdurous and selvage? Anyway, I guess its a proverb that people use to express their discontent with the current situation(s) in their life. I do know that in my life, I often find myself thinking that someone else has it better than me. Lately, I've been thinking about my career path and whether I should make a change or not. In my mind, I think things have to be better or at least different than the current situation, but do they really?? I think when things don't go your way; you have a demanding boss, or unattainable deadlines, or more stress than you can handle, things always look better elsewhere. But I would have to guess that similar situations have to occur on the other side of the fence.

I struggle with how to resolve that conflict. Do you make a change, and then later realize that the things are no better, or do you not make a change and constantly wonder how green the grass really is on the other side. In some aspects of my life, like my marriage and family, I have no doubt about the greenness of my grass (on most days!), but in others, I'm just not so sure.

In contemplating this issue, I came across a quote from a book by Robert Fulghum that probably sums it up the best....

"The grass is not, in fact, always greener on the other side of the fence. Not at all. Fences have nothing to do with it. The grass is greenest where it is watered. When crossing over fences, carry water with you and tend the grass wherever you may be." -- Robert Fulghum, in It was On Fire When I Lay Down on It, Ivy Books, 1989

I need to keep that in mind....

Kids jokes

Ok, my days have been crazy lately... working 50+ hours a week, plus having a sinus infection (again), and generally tired due to lack of sleep (cause of the infection). Sometimes a good laugh helps... and my kids say and do some silly things. Thea has written about these things several times in her blog, so I'm not going to repeat them here, but I got these in an e-mail, and they made me laugh, so I'm going to post them.

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. Aftera while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

CLINTON(age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES(age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

I just love these... and the things that come out of kids mouths.. Kids make you stop and take a step back.... look at things from a fresh point of view. Kids views are untainted by society, and not driven by motive, or selfish desires... Its refreshing... and not that I'm complaining, but I have also wondered why women have two....

Some facts....

Ok, My wife, Thea, tagged me, so here are my answers.

1. What time did you get up this morning? 6:30am
2. Diamonds or pearls? Ah, well.....
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Wow, I honestly can't think back that far
4. What is your favorite TV show? Heroes
5. What did you have for breakfast? Peanut Butter Granola Bar....yum
6. What is your middle name? Lawrence
7. What is your favorite cuisine? Chinese
8. What foods do you dislike? Not a big fan of Mexican
9. What are your favorite chips? I was going to say computer..... but Thea would call me a dork, so I'll say Doritos
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? I've been hearing the new Daughtry on the radio.... want to get it!
11. What kind of car do you drive? Hyundai Elantra
12. Favorite sandwich? Turkey on a bagel
13. What are characteristics you can't stand? Hypocritical
14. What are your favorite clothes? Jeans and t-shirt
15. If you could go anywhere on vacation where would you go? Anywhere with my wife
16. There was no sixteen in this little questionnaire so I'll just give you a random fact about myself: I'm a black belt in Tae Kwon Do
17. Where would you want to retire? Does not matter, just so I'm near those I love
18. Favorite time of day? 8:01pm
19. Where were you born? Joliet Illinois
20. What is your favorite sport to watch? College Football
21. Coke or Pepsi? Diet Mountain Dew
22. Beavers or ducks? What kind of question is that?
23. Are you a morning person or a night owl? Morning... can't stay awake past 9pm!
24. Pedicure or manicure? I bite my fingernails.... would bite my toe nails if I could reach them
25. What did you want to be when you were little? Coroner (loved Quincy)
26. What is your best childhood memory? Bowling with my dad.... family vacations to Florida
27. Ever been to Africa? Nope
28. Ever been toilet papering? Once
29. Been in a car accident? Yep..
30. Favorite day of the week? Saturday
31. Favorite restaurant? Anything but Bob Evans..... BD Mongolian BBQ
32. Favorite flower? I like them all the same....
33. Favorite ice-cream? Vanilla
34. Favorite fast food restaurant? Wendy's.
35. How many times did you fail your driver's test? none
36. From whom did you get your last e-mail? Client
37. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Best Buy
38. Last person you went to dinner with? Cast of Beauty and the Beast
39. What are you listening to right now? Jake running around upstairs
40. What is your favorite color? Blue!
41. How many tattoos do you have? one.
42. How many are you sending this Email to? Just blogging, not sending via e-mail.
43. What time did you finish this e-mail blog entry? 8:30am.
44. Favorite magazine: Readers Digest
45. Coffee or tea? Diet Mountain Dew
46. Do you tan easily or burn easily? Burn, peel, burn
47. Do you color your hair? Don't have enough to color
48. What was the first car you ever purchased without the help of your parents? Ford Mustang... what a car!!!
49. What is your most dreaded household chore? Cleaning the cat litter..... ick

Smell of the Greasepaint, Roar of the Crowd

Now that the show is over, and my life starts to get back to normal, I find people asking me why I do theater. Why does left-brained engineer enjoy making a spectacle of himself?? I once asked a gal I know why she does theater, and she told me directly, "I do it to hear the applause." That brings visions of Sally Field... "They like me, they really like me."

Hearing the applause is flattering, but I think I use theater as a vacation from my everyday life. What other hobby can you have where you are totally immersed in a life that's not yours. Lumiere (that's the role I played in the play last week) never had to worry about report deadlines, demanding clients, cash flow issues, or screaming pre-schoolers for that matter. Now don't get me wrong, I really love my life and the path I've chosen, but I also like the diversion, and theater gives me that opportunity.

Theater has also helped me learn about myself. No matter how hard I try, I will never be a dancer, but I can move without tripping on my own feet. I can not sing opera, but I hold my own with Broadway type songs. I do not have the stature to be a leading man (I'm more the silly sidekick type), but I know how to develop a character and make him appear bigger than life. Most of all, I have learned that I can accomplish what I put my mind to. Theater really has been an important part of my life and has brought me many of things I adore; many of my friends, my church, my wife.

Thea surprised me on Sunday and brought Jake to see the show. It was a nice surprise since I did not think he was going to be able to see the show. He also was there for one of the dress rehearsals, and I remember looking out and seeing his face while the show was going on. He was mesmerized. He starred at the stage and never moved (which can be unusual for him). I know you can not force your kids into certain extracurricular activities, but I hope he continues to show interest in theater. I think theater can make you a well-rounded person, by constantly challenging you to step outside of your comfort zone, helping you grow. That's all any parent can ask for their kids.

Donuts with Dad

Ok, well, as you can tell, I have not been doing too well on this blogging thing. With the play ending and work kicking my butt this week, I have not had a chance to write much. Well, I had to write a short bit today about my morning.

I got to take Jake to preschool today because it was Donuts with Dads day. Even though the event only lasts 1/2 hour, its kinda a fun time when the Dad can take the kids to school and see what they do, what and who they play with, etc. I went to Donuts with Dads last year, but only a few dads showed up. This year nearly all the Dads were there. However, some could not make it because of business meetings

After the initial hellos, I watched how the other Dads were interacting with their kids. Some of the dads sat and played with their kids, while others sat and watched while their kids played either alone or with another kid. It is a funny sight to see grown men, some of them well over 200 pounds, sitting in small kids chairs. I could tell some of them were wishing to God the 1/2 hour was over.

I played puzzles with Jake for the first few minutes, then we played blocks with his friend Daniel and then matchbox cars with his friend Owen. After that Jake wanted me to read a book, so we both sat on the miniature couch and read a book. After the first book, one of the little boys came up to me and handed me a book to read. I looked for his father, and noticed that he was sitting on the floor kinda daydreaming, not paying much attention to his son. It kinda made me sad for this poor boy, so I told him to take the book to his father. He did and his father then read to him.

I enjoyed the 1/2 hour, and the time I got to spend with Jake at school. I want to be the type of father who goes to these events, participates, and enjoys the interaction. Getting over involved in work is easy. I'm very lucky that I have Thea who always reminds me that work is not the most important thing in my life. I'm also grateful for mornings like today, when interacting with my kids helps remind me how lucky I am to be a father.

My Weekend

Well, the show was this weekend. Here are some pictures... I'll write more about it tomorrow.

Opening night

Tonight is opening night. Like I mentioned in a previous post, I'm in a production of Beauty and the Beast. I'm playing Lumiere the candle stick. I will try and get some pictures for future posts. Well, I have done a lot of shows in the past. In fact, I have being doing theater since I was a freshman in high school. People ask me if I still get nervous, and the answer is a definite YES. Many of the reasons for my nervousness stem from a few instances where I have really messed up and have never gotten over them.

One of these times occurred in a show many years ago. Camelot is a musical based on the King Aurthur story and I was cast as Squire Dap, who is Lancelot's assistant. The show is long and boring, but the cast was fun and it was a great show to be in. Squire Dap is not a large role, but I did have lines and a small solo about half way through the show. Well, on the final dress rehearsal, which by the way was the night the show was being video taped, I was standing back stage before my song started and suddenly got a rush of anxiety. I could not remember the words to my song. In fact I could not remember even the first word. As the music started, I remember feeling my heart pounding in my chest, and I thought, "Ok, it'll come to me" as I walked on stage. The music continued to build to the point where I was suppose to enter. When it was time for me to sing, I opened my mouth, and nothing came out. Absolutely nothing. I looked down into the orchestra pit, and the director was mouthing the words, but it just didn't help. I was crashing. Afterwords, I felt horrible, not only about myself, but because I let people down.

Afterwards, I tried everything to remember those words. I actually wrote them in my hat, and spent the whole next day practicing taking off my hat and looking at the words without looking to obvious. Its just not natural to look into a hat, especially when you are singing.

Anyway, opening night came, and I found myself in the same situation. Heart pounding, sweat building on my upper lip, the same anxiety as before. The words taped into my hat did not comfort me. As I stood backstage, I forced myself to think about all of the rehearsals where I got the song right, the fun I had developing the character and interacting with the other actors. I told myself that I had to believe and trust in what I had learned. I had to believe in myself. As I walked on stage, I looked down into the orchestra pit, and saw a familiar bead of sweat on the director's lip as he waited to see what if anything would come out of my mouth. I opened my mouth and......

It really does not matter what happened next. The point is that I believed in myself, and trusted in what I had learned. I realized that self-confidence can over come anxiety. Every opening night I have, I think about that feeling, and when I start to get that strange feeling in my gut (kinda like I'm getting today), I think about rehearsals, and what I've learned. I have self-confidence. It does not eliminate the anxiety, but it allows me to cope with it. However, even with that self confidence, there is no way I will ever let Thea watch that Camelot video. Somethings are better left unseen. Wish me luck tonight.

Contentment

My church does a large scale musical every year. This year we are putting on Beauty and the Beast. Tough show to do if you are a professional group. So for a group of ordinary, but talented, Methodists, it was quite an undertaking. Well, we open on Thursday, and we are as ready as we are going to be. I think the show is OK, but there are a lot of issues. Being a perfectionist I'm always thinking that things could go this way or that way, or this person could have done their job better, etc.

Before every rehearsal the group sits down and we listen to a devotion. Sometimes these devotions are just a bible passage, or sometimes they are a life story that relates to the drama ministry. The other day, the message was a pick-me-up and meant to boost our morale. At the end of the devotion, a small box was passed around and everyone had to let the angel pick them. The box was full of little pieces of cardboard with an angel imprinted on one side. On the back side of the angel that picked me was a single word

Contentment

This little piece of cardboard made me think... sometimes I'm too hard on myself, on others and on the process. Not just with the church theater, but in life. Sometimes being anxious, or a perfectionist, or anal for that matter does not help the situation. Sometimes it just is what it is, and thats ok. Sometimes its just better to let it go, and be content.

As I read over this post, I began to re-write a section that I thought was worded poorly.... but you know what... for once, I'm going to take my own advice and just let it be.

85 seems old... for now

I was reading the newspaper this weekend, and there was an article about a website that could predict how long you would live by asking you some pretty simple questions. So I went to http://www.livingto100.com/ and took the quiz. They ask you questions about your family history, your eating, drinking and smoking habits, your stress level, etc. With a click of a button your mortality level is flashed on the screen. I was filling out my form thinking about every french fry I have ever eaten, or the days I just could not work out... I think I took 2 years off my life by just taking the crazy quiz!! Anyway, my final answer came out to be 85. Boy, I may live to 85, that's good news right?? I'm only 41, so I'm not even at mid-life yet!! Whoo-hoo!!

The web page then gave me tips on how to increase my life span even more. A couple of the biggies included:

• You have noted that you lead a fairly stressful life. Identifying and lessening the sources of your stress, if you can, could add one-two years to your life depending upon just how much of a change you are able to make. I get stressed out trying to find ways to lessen stress
• Increasing your exercise regimen to 4 days a week could add a year and a half, to 5 days a week could add 3 years, to 6 or 7 days a week could add 5 years to your life expectancy. I think working out 7 days a week would kill me!
• Minimizing or cutting out your caffeinated coffee consumption completely could provide you with about half a year more in life expectancy. A measly half a year for giving up caffeine... wheres the advantage there??
• Flossing regularly can add up to 4 years to your life. It's amazing that bleeding gums can actually kill you...

If I do everything they suggest, I would live to 98. Not sure I want to live that long anyway.... I've seen people at 98, and it does not look like much fun..

I came away from this quiz feeling a bit better about my mortality, and what I need to do to make my life longer and healthier. As I think about what I have to do today, knowing very well that my schedule is going to force me to have fast food for dinner, I can't help but thinking.. Boy, I should floss my teeth today.

Engineering Humor

I'm an engineer, and sometimes people make fun of engineers. I'm ok with that. But what people don't know is that we have a sense of humor. Now everyone may not understand our sense of humor, but we do and we think its hilarious. Take the figure to the right.... this made me laugh out loud. This was an actual question and answer from a geometry test. The answer to the problem is x=5, but I think the student was very smart since the question does not say Solve for x, it says Find x. That's exactly what the student did.... I would have given him full credit!!!

Daddy's Home

Growing up, I remember my dad coming home from work and heading right for a martini. He did not have a drinking problem, but used the one drink (and sometimes two) to relax. He hated his job, or more accurately he hated his boss. His stress was felt throughout the whole family.

I usually get up at 5:30am each morning. I work out for 30min, shower, get dressed and get to work by 7am. I work until 5:00pm or 5:30pm, then I head home. Somedays there is no time for lunch. So when I get home, my brain is fried, my eyes hurt and I'm dragging. Lately, when I get home, due to a play that I'm in, my mind is on the next thing I have to do. As the stress in my life builds, I too find myself reaching for a beer to relax. I never have more than one a night, but lately its been one every night.

I've asked Thea if she thinks I have a drinking problem, and she says no, but sometimes I wonder...

The other day was especially stressful. I have a big project that was just awarded and the work is very time critical, so every day is a little more stressful than the last. I was driving home and thinking, "Boy, I need a beer." As I open the door into the house, with my mind on the next big crisis ahead of me, I hear...

DADDY'S HOME!!

and see two great kids running to give me hugs and kisses. My worries, concerns, and stress melt away instantly as they jump on me. What a joy!

Sometimes, the joy your kids have when they see you is dismissed, especially when life is overwhelming. Who needs beer when you have that kind of love.

Once a day....

Well, here is my attempt at blogging. I asked my wife Thea, who just started her own blog, if men blog. She said yes. She said blogging was kind of like an online journal, which kinda appealed to me, since she is always telling me to journal, and my job keeps me on the computer. A perfect match!!

I'm a very busy person. I have my wonderful family, Thea, my wife, and my two kids, Jacob and Emma. I have my job, which keeps me busy 50+ hours a week, and includes lots of traveling. I have my hobbies (theater, choir, poker) which take more time than they should. With all of this going on, there are many days that I simply collapse at the end of the day. Some days I simply don't enjoy or appreciate the good things in life. I think without those good things, life can be hard.

So I decided this is a good place to write down those good things. My goal is to write down something everyday that brightens my day and makes me remember how good life is. I have done some journaling in my time, but never consistently. So I kept that behavior in mind when I decided to try my hand at this blogging. Wish me luck.